Cats are hilarious!!!!

Note: no Beebses or animals were injured during this production.  All was supervised by a trained adult.

A new year and some resolutions

I realize it has been ages since my last post.  Seems to be the trend these days.  Seems to be what I'm feeling about a lot in my life.  I'm always seeming one step behind, not on top of things, unable to multi-task the way I used to.  I have a toddler, I know.  I'm still transitioning from working Alix to mommy Alix.  Some days that's really easy.  And some days that's really, really hard.  I never anticipated how hard motherhood could be for a hard-core introvert such as myself (and I mean that in the Myers-Briggs sense).  Having someone need you, need you to be with them, hold them, be consumed with their needs all day, every day, when I'm needing little bits of time all to myself to be creative, and to feel like a whole human being and a decent mother, is harder than I like to admit (because, surprise!, it makes me feel like a terrible mother). 

I've been thinking long and hard on what I want this little space to be.  It's been many things over the past two (!) years: diary, photo journal, record of projects, animal update, baby update, green ideas...  But nothing's feeling right for the place I am in my life right now.  I have so much that's good each day that I don't feel so inclined to buoy myself with a daily "happy thought."  Often, at night, I'm so exhausted it's all I can do to fry myself an egg, fold some laundry, pay a bill or two, and veg out in front of reality shows and then tuck in.  (I am such a sucker for the worst of the worst reality TV.)  I'm also feeling like I've documented a lot about my life and my animals, so how to keep it fresh and interesting? Perhaps I need this space to be more of "me" and less about the wonderful people and animals I'm lucky enough to share my life with. (But, how to do that?)

How to describe motherhood? You find yourself more in love with another being than you thought possible, yet simultaneously you mourn the parts of yourself that you must hide, or push down for now-- until she's a little older, until you have time once again.  How to describe adulthood? When "real life" and bills, and disappointment, and loss, and anger and frustration get in the way of creativity and fun and laughter.

It's also harder for me to write from a place of happiness or neutrality, which is sort of where I'm hovering now, and why this space has been so empty.  The past three years brought with them many challenges and a whole lot of grief.  I was doing a lot of writing then.  (And a lot of reading. *sigh*)  In three years I lost a grandfather, an uncle, a dear friend's daughter, two pregnancies, and a home.  I felt a part of something in my professional life.  I felt successful, but also challenged.  I felt I was good at my job.  I poured myself into my life there, largely because if I couldn't stop to think about everything else, I wouldn't.  Push it down.  Push it down.  Somewhere along the line I learned that showing emotion is weakness.  Or, that's what I've internalized.  I like feeling in control.  Loss doesn't fit that tendency. So I worked hard, and put everything into work.  And then I lost that job.  Who am I without it?  How do I not take it personally? Where do I go from here? How do I adjust to not being the primary breadwinner for the first time in seven years? How do I take pride in my new job when I loathe vacuuming, cleaning toilets, dusting, unloading the dishwasher (UGH! The worst.)? Though to be fair, I get A+ marks for creative play, hugs and kisses, reading Touch and Feel Kitten hundreds of times a day, and managing to make squash and blueberries go together in a puree.  You can't quantify what being a good mother, wife, "homemaker" looks like.  There are no promotions, or a paycheck to help define a job well done.

How do I not feel trapped or stuck?

And I've been feeling guilt and frustration each time I don't get here to write.  I feel the same when I don't answer emails in a timely fashion anymore.  When I don't have the energy to call.  When I can't keep all the balls in the air.  When *gasp* (I know) I use the dryer or leave a light on when I'm home by myself, or buy jars of baby food.  I don't know what to do with all these feelings (that I'm told accompany motherhood, or maybe it's just womanhood) that I'm being watched.  Judged. That everyone else can do it better.  That I have to always be "on."  That somehow I have to be Martha Stewart, but I have to always be calm and stoic. I also have to always be the model for the most "green" way of doing things.  And that's how I live, but I've become caught up in probably some destructive patterns of seeking a perfection that I don't think exists-- not unless we were off the grid completely, and you know what?!  I can't do that all by myself as the pseudo-single mom that I am with the income we've got.  (My partner in crime works craze-o hours).  I just can't. There.  I've admitted it in front of God and country and blogosphere.  I'm not perfect. I don't have it all figured out. I drive myself crazy with my "rules" sometimes.  (Like, I don't have any paper towels in the house.  I'm pretty proud of the fact that our only paper product is TP.  But, I have to say, the other day, I found a particularly heinous act of dog mischief on our bedroom carpet that had me longing for just one roll.  Just one! It would be recycled, I swear!!!!!!!!).  Like: I feel guilty for buying the bread at the health food store even though it lets me spend a few more minutes on the floor playing with my daughter, but if I'm making bread, I'm feeling guilty because I'm not feeling fully attentive to Addie (or it's just darn hard when a little one wants your attention and decides the moment you have your hands plunged into paste to attempt to swallow a foreign object or grab the cat's tail or just be pissed at you for daring to take a few moments to do anything that she can't yet participate in).

So, perhaps here I will chronicle my journey in 2011 to move on and let go: of grief, of anger, of some random notion of perfection-- both in motherhood and in environmental sustainability. I'd like to continue to find the beauty and the inspiration of every day.  I'd like to make yoga a more daily, rather than weekly, sacred space, even if that means *gasp again* I attempt to wake up before my child and carve out time for myself (as amazing as that sounds, I LOVE sleep and I just don't know...).  Come with me as I try to find time to read, write, quilt, knit, and take photos.  I really do believe that a whole mommy is a happy mommy.  Maybe somewhere along the line I'll figure out who the heck I am and what I'm supposed to be doing, and maybe somewhere along the line I'll also find peace. 

Namaste.

                                                     Christmas morning hair.  All of us. :)

A tree! And, the house (finally)

Our tree!! 

You get two here: one with Beebs' eyes closed and one with E's.  Ah well.   

Today was the big day.  We went tree hunting and picked out our tree.  It was COLD.  Freezing cold.  I'm not so sure we anticipated just how bad the wind would be.  Perhaps it should have been a hint that we were the only ones at the tree farm.  Hmmm.  Or, perhaps it was just that it was a Monday at around 1pm.  Either way, it really was nice to avoid the crowd this year.  Beebs was all bundled up (as you see) and didn't mind at all.  She rather enjoyed the whole thing.  She also thought seeing the farm's peacocks, chickens and ducks was pretty sweet.  Girl after my own heart.  

And finally here are a few shots of the homestead.  It's looking pretty clean, and nicely jolly.  The dim lighting helps hide the dust and other imperfections :).

The dining room. 

Looking into the dining room from the kitchen.  That's my trusty chest freezer.  Made it work even without a basement.  

Another shot to show you the openness of the floor plan.  You can see the living room on the left and the woodstove (and the diapers drying on the rack in front of it :) ). 

The kitchen!  We did: all new floors, new light fixtures (well, really, our trusty and fabulous electrician friend did that work, but I designed it :) ), all new appliances, new counter tops and a new sliding door.  Oh. And we had all the walls painted. You can't really see, but my kitchen is Araucana egg blue, and the TV room is "Bathsheba"-- the color of Sheba's eggs-- and the living room/dining room is "Hermione"-- the color of Hermione's eggs.  Yeah.  The guy at the paint counter looked at me funny too when I told him I was matching my chicken's eggs.  The colors are so warm and cozy and they go beautifully together.  

Another view with Beebs' hippo chair.  I really should have taken more "before" shots.  Imagine: no appliances, one bare ceiling light, a small island (we increased the top to create an eating space), and scary vinyl flooring that was supposed to look like wood flooring.  

The TV room with the tree (the TV is hiding over to the right). Pretty. So, those of you in the know, you'll see we decided to put the tree here, and we think it works.  It wouldn't have fit in the living room, and you can still see it from most of the house. 

And counting...

We're counting down!

Forgive the poor photo quality.  It was like 9pm and I don't have a fancy schmancy camera.  

And, dear readers, here's the story:  Growing up Advent was always a big hit for me. And this is funny--full disclosure here folks-- because I'm not religious. I'm very much an atheist. But back then, I was an acolyte in the Episcopal church and loved it.  I mean, it suited me perfectly: a "costume," being center of attention at the service, getting to finish the last bitty bits of port after Eucharist, and lighting the candles-- including the big Advent wreath.  And at home we had the most wonderful, most special Advent calendar handmade by my great-grandmother.  It was felt with pockets for each day, and with unique and glittery, beautiful beaded ornaments hidden in each pocket.  We'd excitedly pull one out each day and pin it to the felt tree.  We did this every, single year for like 16 years, that is, until our new puppy Stewart (who sadly passed away just this year at 13 years old) chomped it to bits ingesting several straight pins in the process.  He had x-rays and had to be put under and the pins removed.  It was a scene.  A horrible carnage ("Christmas means carnage!!" Sorry.  Little private joke there). There was no fixing the damage. It was ruined. And luckily, English Setters are fairly indestructible, we've found over the years, so no harm done to Stew.

Anyway. I never forgot that calendar and how special it was to me. About two years ago I decided I'd make one myself.  I don't so much work from patterns with fabric.  Something about the precision and the exactness bothers me.  So, I just went to it from memory (and in this case, it's not like a bunch of squares, rectangles and a tree weren't hard to cut out without a pattern! so, it's not like I'm living on the wild side here people). What you see above is what I came up with. I managed to finish the tree, the pockets and embroider the numbers on the pockets.  Then work, and pregnancy (god I was so tired all. the. time.) kind of kept me from finishing it. I pulled it back out this year and showed my mom.  How exciting is it that she enthusiastically took up the task of finishing it!?  She has so far handmade 12 incredible ornaments from felt with hand beading.  She's attached buttons on the tree that are multi colored and look like ornaments (you can kind of see them better below). Each ornament has a little embroidered loop at the top so we can just hook them on a button!  No more straight pins!!! And it has some of her own hand-spun yarn from which to hang it on the wall.

Beebs and I enjoyed hanging our first ornament today. Very cool.  

And PS- yay for not using paper Advent calendars-- our little environmental blurb for today.

Holy Sweet Potato!

We ended up with 4 of these bad boys from our wonderful CSA.  Beebs actually cried when she first saw one.  She was totally freaked out.  She has since made friends, as you can see. I mean, they are GIANT potatoes.

But, even after Thanksgiving where we did manage to eat a good portion of two of them, I still have two left.  And, I just received some more from my winter CSA this week! Phew.  

So begins my journey to use the sweet potato. I already love em just baked with a little butter and maybe some brown sugar.  Beebs loves them baked and mashed.  E, not so much.  I admit, I'm sick of them just on the side.  So...

Recipe number one: Sweet Potato quick bread from The Victory Garden cookbook.  A wonderful cookbook dear friends M and N gave me a few years back.  I use it all the time.  It especially helps with those unusual items you can find in your CSA box, or at the farmer's market.

This bread was really tasty.  Not too sweet either, which is a big plus for me (I don't add all the sugar called for in chocolate chip cookies).

One down, one big potato and six little potatoes to go.  Next up: perhaps some sweet potato cranberry muffins-- to help use up the cranberry sauce I made, but then forgot in the fridge at Thanksgiving, so we never ate it. I'd like to try making two batches, one for now, one to freeze for later.    

For my third post of the evening...

I finally figured out the template business!!  It all comes down to my beloved Firefox being behind the times.  Can no longer use the handy-dandy new template designer and whatnot on that browser.  Luckily, Safari to the rescue.  I'm kind of digging this new look.  What do you think?  The birds are most definitely for my Beebs.

First haircut! A trim really...

 Before.

After!  Just a little trim above the eyes so those pesky hairs don't keep getting in the way.  :)